Training, training, training…

I’m preparing to leave home for two months for some training. One thing I’ve learned about military schools; they’re all the same. Same organization, different curriculum. I’ve always been told “there’s the right way, the wrong way, and the Army way.”

It started when I went to Basic Training. Sure, I learned basic soldiering skills and specific tasks, but moreover, I learned what a soldier truly is and was indoctrinated into how the Army works. These things were reaffirmed in combat.

Ever since I graduated from Basic Training, I’ve been a soldier. It’s a part of me and a part of who I am – not because I can properly set the head-space and timing on an M2 Machine Gun, talk in acronyms, read funny looking maps, march around, etc. – but because of my sworn oath and adherence to a set of guidelines and regulations that have been set before me, solidified by the sweat and blood of countless men and women who have gone before.

If I undertake and qualify on an Army task, there is prescribed remedial training to help reinforce and continue proficiency and help me succeed in my mission. Should I fail; I, being a soldier, know the “Army way” to conduct myself and find guidance, counsel, and additional training to help me succeed. Not to mention my comrades-in-arms to help me when I need it (whether I think I need it or not). The importance is that I, as a soldier, keep trying.

The Army teaches these four tenets as the Warrior Ethos:

I will always place the mission first.

I will never accept defeat.

I will never quit.

I will never leave a fallen comrade.

On these four precepts, a military’s will cannot be broken.

I’ve recently realized and drawn the parallels between this and my faith. By knowing Christ and being received into the Church, I have much the same thing.

Oh that I would be diligent in my devotion to my God, His practices, and statutes! That I would be diligent in my prayers, seeking the “moral high ground,” being a good steward of things in my charge (to include myself)…

The Christian life is made up of many pieces that we are called to do/participate in: prayer, fellowship, Eucharist, study, discipleship, caring for one another, caring for the world, etc. The true value in all of our undertakings, and the crux of my realization, is remembering the fact that we are a part of a much larger whole. We are not alone.

Should we fail; we, being Christians, know the Right way to conduct ourselves and find guidance, counsel, and additional support to lift us up and help us accomplish our missions. Not to mention our Brothers and Sisters (fellow Christians) that are there to help us when we need it (whether we think we need it or not). The importance is that we, being conformed to a lifestyle, keep trying.

“Do not, by retiring apart, live a solitary life, as though you were already justified. Instead, coming together in one place, inquire together about what will help all of you.” -St. Barnabas of Alexandria

Introspection and Growing

I would venture to say that in my 26 years I have lived my share of life. I have taken it as it came, good and bad–we all have. I acknowledge that my life is a narrative; an ongoing story that not only makes me who I am, but places me resolutely and spatially in God’s creation.

Lately, I have been challenged regarding where I am in life. Am I successful in my undertakings both professionally and personally? Could I be doing more? Where do I need to improve? Am I being realistic with myself? Am I being myself? Where, within all of this, is the “line” where Matt ends and want/desire/fantasy/over zealousness take over? Innocent questions from a curious mind.

Much like my restlessness, this potentially harrowing thought process is something I am having to learn to harness. It is a test of my faith and confidence not only in who I am, but in who I am in Christ. It is a test of patience, discipline, and meekness. It is ongoing in each of us. Coming into the acceptance of this concept only strengthens my belief in the necessity of community and family. (i.e. the Church)

I always enjoy hearing other people’s perspectives and opinions of me as a _____ (person, friend, soldier, etc.). I believe that constructive criticism is healthy. It’s a necessary part of accountability. I state this knowing that it is human nature, my nature, to sometimes be defensive about such things. As always, I write these things so that I might not marginalize the importance of knowing myself not only in mind, but in heart as well. Stewardship within the context of an individual’s narrative governs aspects beyond this lifetime.

I’ve come to realize that my entire life has been a season of introspection and growing. I pray, with God’s help, this season never ends.

 

“Without your divine will,

there is nothing in man,

nothing is harmless.

Wash that which is unclean,

water that which is dry,

heal that which is wounded.

Bend that which is inflexible,

warm that which is chilled,

make right that which is wrong.”

-a portion of “Veni Sancte Spiritus” from the Roman Liturgy

Psalm 19:14

From owning a house to owning a home…

It has been roughly a year since I purchased my house. I’ll be honest, most days my house is a frustrating and demotivating money pit. My house does not feel like home. There are still boxes that need to be unpacked, old things that need to be thrown away, decorations that need to be hung on the walls, and most nights I don’t even sleep in my own bed.

I’m going about this all wrong…

I realize that when people come over, they don’t think much of it. Their only thought is “Yep, three dudes live here.” This is more personal. An open stream of thought and accountability are the reasons for this post.

When I was growing up my house was always the place for band practice, long weekends with friends, church fellowships, etc. It was a hang out spot that was always warm, safe, and comfortable. “Help yourself, y’all know where everything is.” my Dad would always say. I’ve come to recall how much I truly value a home and how necessary a home is.

As a general rule, I always try to be confident in who I am and what I do. I would consider myself effective and dependable in my endeavors and respectful to others. However, my house is not a reflection of that. Rather, my house is a reflection on me. If I can compartmentalize and neglect something as big as a house, I dare not think what else I’m capable of hiding from myself. Christ have mercy if that is the case.

This ends now. This house will be a home.

Keeping my promise to Casey…

About a month ago, while on a motorcycle ride with a friend, I found myself at Truett-McConnell college. We parked our bikes and took a walk to the huge cross that overlooks the campus to sit and stretch before getting back on the road.

I have many memories from that campus. I attended Truett-McConnell from 2003-2005 (barring some military training). It came at an appropriate time in my life. I dare not think how I would be had I not submitted to going to a small Christian college in the middle of nowhere when I did. It was in that sheltered environment I began down a road that God has used to shape and guide me…in many instances, saving me from myself and from no telling what…

I digress.

I was reminded of an encounter I had under that cross. Every time I remember it I have to fight back the emotions and simply keep the promise I made that day:

I had just returned from Basic Training and Chaplain Assistant school in early summer 2004. I went back up to Truett-McConnell to see some friends that were staying on campus for the summer and to tour the campus with my girlfriend (at the time) and her family. There was a group of five of us that all went to Truett-McConnell from the same home church. All campus tours ended on the hill, near the cross that overlooked the campus.

While my girlfriend and her family were talking to the admissions representative, I walked ahead up the hill and noticed a little girl sitting at the foot of the cross. Curious, I walked up and sat down next to her. Her name was Casey. Casey was about to go into the 6th grade and was at Truett-McConnell for some type of summer camp. She was just staring into the horizon, deep in thought. I noticed she was clutching a Bible in her lap.

Not knowing what to say to a 12 year old, yet perplexed as to why she was up there all by herself, I did what I do best; I started talking.

“Bible eh? Cool book.” I said. “Yea, I like it.” she replied. “Read me something.” I asked.

“Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him,² and he began to teach them.” (Matthew 5:1-2) she read, closing the Bible and looking back at me.

“That’s the beginning of the Beatitudes, good stuff.” I remarked.

After an awkward silence, with what seemed like a sense of excitement and desperation, Casey told me that the night before she had invited Christ into her life. She was scared about what her family would think. Her home life did not seem very healthy…an abusive father, a mother that kept defending the father, and a big brother that didn’t seem to care. She had been given a glimpse of hope and felt Christ’s love and knew it was good. She was so desperate for her family to have the same thing.

Right as she finished her story a group of kids walked out of one of the buildings heading toward another. Casey latched onto me, hugging me with all she had. “There’s my group. I’ve got to go. Thank you so much!” she said scurrying off; so scared, yet so excited and happy. My departing words to her were “Nice to meet you Casey, I’ll pray for you.”

I cannot count how many times I’ve said that and never followed through. Sad. I consider myself a fiercely loyal and dependable person, yet too often I don’t deliver when left to my own devices.

I’ll never forget Casey. I always say a prayer for her when I think of her. Again, one of those encounters that has always stuck with me- regardless if she remembers it or not. My heart broke for that little girl that day. It has been an exercise of faith for me to rest in God knowing that He covers her just as He does me. If God can find it fit to give his grace to me, I know she will be ok.

I have often wondered what happened to Casey. Does she still hold to the faith? Does she see the beauty of God’s creation, or just a big cruel world? Did her family chastise her? Did that break her? Does she realize the impact she had on me that day?

The same friend I rode motorcycles with that day once wrote something that I believe sums up my intention for this post. A statement to strive for, hope for, and have faith that God will enact in each of us as a Church when we, having hope in His creation, strive to be the hands and feet of Christ and living lives of prayer. Let not the shadows stay dark when we posses the Light that illuminates eternity.

“Every moment of life has a beauty we often overlook. Someone is judged. An
opportunity is missed. The lonely are ignored. And the shadows stay dark. I
want to show that there is beauty in all creation.”

Matthew 5:14-16

Thinking on Lent…

Tomorrow starts the season of Lent. This season has proven to be the most difficult and, in hindsight, probably the most rewarding for me in the Church calendar. It always starts out as more of an inconvenience to give up something and I feel bad when I forget to do what I planned to take on. In the back of my mind there is always a cynical reservation towards Lent.

Never fails, shortly after an Ash Wednesday service I always think of how cliche’ Lent has become and quickly get to be jaded toward it. Sad, I can see these thoughts coming, yet I always struggle with them.

Given my last post, selflessness and “getting over myself” seems to be a reoccurring theme. Lent is a very corporate affair within the Church; walking through and remembering Christ’s sufferings as a family/body is a powerful thing. However, it’s a very private affair. I recall Christ’s teaching about not being like the hypocrites when fasting and remind myself that fasting is something I do privately and not something I gripe about to my church buddies just because I want a beer or something with meat in it. I’m trying to be very real and transparent as I write these things in an attempt to call myself out on what I know I’ll screw up.

May those of us who make the journey through this season be diligent in self-examination, keeping our mouths shut when we need to, and make a conscious effort to joyfully humble ourselves before God.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Tomorrow, the below will be read to people in churches across the world:

“Dear People of God: The first Christians observed with great devotion the days of our Lord’s passion and resurrection, and it became the custom of the Church to prepare for them by a season of penitence and fasting. This season of Lent provided a time in which converts to the faith were prepared for Holy Baptism. It was also a time when those who, because of notorious sins, had been separated from the body of the faithful were reconciled by penitence and forgiveness, and restored to the fellowship of the Church.

Thereby, the whole congregation was put in mind of the message of pardon and absolution set forth in the Gospel of our Savior, and of the need, which all Christians continually have to renew their repentance and faith. I invite you, therefore, in the name of the Church, to the observance of a holy Lent, by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God’s holy Word. And, to make a right beginning of repentance, and as a mark of our mortal nature, let us now kneel before the Lord, our maker and redeemer.”

The reality on the ground is…

“Lieutenant,  I don’t care what you think the best way to do this is. I don’t tell you how to preach in hopes that you never try to tell me how to shoot. The purpose of this block of instruction is to tell you how Uncle Sam says things are supposed to be done…Only after you know and understand the HOW can you approach the soldiers, not be a liability, and prove to them that you’re worth your salt. Then you can worry about having an impact on them. The reality on the ground is: You have to earn it.”

I’m a Chaplain Assistant in the Georgia Army National Guard. I am active duty with the Guard and have the privilege to be in boots everyday. One of my responsibilities is helping to manage the Chaplain Candidate program for the state. For the sake of brevity and simplicity, Chaplain Candidates are Chaplains in training (Chaplains and Candidates are both commissioned officers).

I’ve worked hard to cultivate “SSG (Staff Sergeant) Couch” (me) into a blunt, sometimes harsh, no nonsense type of person. Much like how Drill Sergeants are; their job is not to be your friend, their job is to be sure you succeed. That is much how I view my relationship with the Candidates.

Some of the Candidates I get have prior military service and are great soldiers and some of them come to me not knowing their rear-end from a tank. I always strive to be the “blunt voice of reality” for them; intending to never let what they do seem like just another “touchy-feely everybody loves Jesus” church camp…or something like that. The reality of combat is…well, real. A soldier’s trust has to be earned through actions. Those actions often entail long, grueling, stressful days that sometimes have no gratification at the end of them.

The quote I started this post with is something I said to one of my Lieutenants (Chaplain Candidates) this past weekend. There are times when things/people/situations are not comfortable for you, but have to get over yourself in order to do what needs to be done. I needed to hear that. Specifically, I needed the reminder about the “not comfortable” part.

Too often I find myself in one of those “John Wayne” states of mind where what may not be comfortable for others is stoically comfortable to me. However, that does not make it outside of my comfort zone just because it is difficult to others. What is outside of my comfort zone is probably trivial to most, but there is no excuse to avoid it when there is work to be done.

I need to be more sensitive and open to the people/circumstances I encounter, being careful never to marginalize someone/something just because it’s not comfortable to me. If being the hands and feet of Christ were that easy, I reckon everything would be sunshine and rainbows…

“Direct us, O Lord, in all our doings with thy most gracious
favor, and further us with thy continual help; that in all our
works begun, continued, and ended in thee, we may glorify
thy holy Name, and finally, by thy mercy, obtain everlasting
life; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

Restlessness

Over the past few months I’ve been increasingly restless. Most of you know that have known me for any extended period of time know that I’ve always been restless. I have always been the one that ends-up in a different state because I started driving out of boredom at a random hour of the night, or overnight become a quasi-subject matter expert on the most random subject because I decided to start researching when I couldn’t sleep.

I can’t put my finger on why I have always been like this. It’s worse at different times than others. It’s not a social void, a need for validation, or even an honest feeling of boredom really. It’s something very deep set. Almost like as if I’m missing out on an adventure somewhere, the USS AWESOME is about to set sail without me, there are injustices that I need to attempt to set right (and probably get my rear-end handed back to me for trying to do it), castles to lay siege against, etc. It always costs me a fortune in gas and hours of needed sleep just aimlessly driving through Atlanta; stoically, and vaguely contemplating “life, love, and why”. It never fails, I always end up doing it and, truth be told, I’ve actually come to enjoy it in hindsight.

I have come to terms that this is a valuable tool, a litmus test if you will, to help me gauge how/where I am in life. Of course, this is best recapped with those that you trust, (preferably sitting around something that is on fire, while enjoying a brew, playing guitar…or any combination therein). That’s where the “philosophizing” happens…that’s where accountability can take place. Christ have compassion on me when I’m left to the mercies of my own mind…

For a “dude” that imagines everything with cowboy/wizard/pirate/chivalric/motorcycle/1920′s private investigator/1950′s americano tinted glasses on, I reckon that I’ll always be a dreamer in a sense, but I also have to keep myself in check and be careful. Guard my heart from my “six-shooter, middle-earth battleground” where I strategize and discern the world around me.

I believe St. John Chrysostom said: “Poor human reason, when it trusts in itself, substitutes the strangest absurdities for the highest divine concepts.”

All said and done, life truly is a wild ride. I guess I’ll catch-up on sleep when I’m dead.